Ever think that things are going just TOO good? You ace your exam. You get that job or promotion you’re after. You finally get the courage to ask that guy/girl out. Life just can’t get any better.
Now, you are craving chaos. Life is no fun without a little drama and depression, right? Never fear, the day ruiner is here! And it’s you! Just do these ten things and wave good bye as your happiness flies out the window!
1. Be on your phone. ALL OF THE TIME.
Literally don’t give anything else attention. They have an app for everything so you don’t have to do ANYTHING that involves looking away from your phone. You can talk to others, file your taxes, travel the world… Why risk missing anything by looking away? You don’t need to meet new people IRL. Who cares if your soul mate is sitting across the aisle from you? If she doesn’t have a Tinder, she wasn’t worth your time. And just to be sure no one tries to distract you from your social media feeds, put ear buds in. We all know that is the universal sign of, “I don’t want to talk to you.” You’ll want to do this in literally every scenario. While at work. While in class. Bonus points if you do it while driving.
2. Buy things you don’t need. Buy ALL the things.
Is that a 10 pound chocolate candy bar? AND IT COMES WITH A CHOCOLATE CHISEL? Best $80 ever spent. Also, start measuring your self-worth in the things you buy. It’s been like a week since you treated yoself to new clothes. What about that purse? Buy it. And that watch. Your fit tracker is SOO yesterday. Time to upgrade. And never fall behind on your iPhone purchase. They release a new one like… every couple of months? Stay on top of that. Don’t you dare save money for an emergency or use money to help those that are less fortunate than you. Those swine need to get a job. Looking at you, starving children in undeveloped countries around the world.
3. Stop Exercising. Treat yoself err day.
It’s hard to get to the gym. Life is supposed to be easy. You know what is easy? Going through a drive-thru and getting a milkshake. I dare you to NOT smile while you essentially grow a pillow over your abs. If anyone asks if you’ve gained weight, just show them that sweet fit tracker you just bought.
4. Stop learning.
You graduated college. You are smarter than like… 95% of the world, right? Graduated high school? You’re still pretty smart. No need to continue learning. Learning is hard work. It requires that you commit to something. And you know what else? You have to read. Ew. We’re trying to ruin your life, not turn you into Einstein or something. Besides, isn’t being called Einstein an insult?
5. Stop listening.
People love being listened to. Do you know what people love more? Talking about themselves. Now’s your time. Any time someone starts talking to you, especially when they are opening up to you, it’s time to interject and make the conversation about yourself. People will hate that. You’ll probably lose friends. Friends are a problem for someone who is trying to hit rock bottom. They can be uplifting. No thanks, it’s cool down here. Like the other side of the pillow. Or the grave.
6. Never focus on anything.
Seriously, if you are too persistent, you might succeed. Ever see that cartoon of the two miners and one stops right before he hits all of the diamonds, and the other miner who never gave up and got rich? You want to be the miner that doesn’t even know what a pickaxe is.
7. DO NOT surround yourself with positive, encouraging, like-minded individuals.
They can be like-minded, but only if they are negative and depressing. Literally no hope. Back to the rock bottom example, you want to get rid of all of the uplifting people and surround yourself with people that are like massive ankle weights and can help drag you down at record speeds. Maybe a shady DJ and that guy that you’ve never actually seen in public, but is mutual friends with all of your Facebook friends and personally attacks everyone who has an opinion about anything. Like… you know he exists, but aren’t sure if he has a physical body. Like… he’s probably some Facebook aberration that appears to destroy all hope in humanity. Anyway, you’ll want to be friends him and argue with him over whether there is truly a God or not. Or choice of pizza toppings. Both are equally mentally draining.
8. Never write anything down.
Writing stuff down helps you remember it, and some people like to write goals down to increase focus and even write affirmations to help them form a focal point in their lives. Ew. I’m actually disappointed you know how to write. How dare you point out that I typed this entire article. I probably misspelled a word. DO NOT GO BACK AND CHECK, MICROSOFT DICKHEAD.
9. Live for the weekend.
If you have an enjoyable job that gives you ANY sort of freedom, whether it’s financial, schedule, or happiness, you need to quit for no good reason. You said there is opportunity for growth? We’re trying to downsize our lives in the worst way, not support a family or travel the world or something. Supportive boss? Does he even care that you are trying to ruin your life? He probably wants what’s best for his employees. What a great guy. He can go screw himself.
10. Drugs and alcohol.
We’re talking like… getting drunk and poking yourself with dirty needles. It’s actually better if you don’t know what you are putting into your body. Is that getting infected? Just pour the whiskey you’re drinking directly on the area, it’ll be fine.
You can do any combination of these and ruin the lives of those around you, too. Double points!
This article is obviously A BIT exaggerated, and hopefully it gave you a chuckle. In truth, I want you to succeed. Your family and friends want you to succeed. You want to succeed. Start taking some of the tips in this article and do the opposite. You can start making progress towards goals you set for yourself. If you don’t have any goals, it’s time to start taking your life more seriously. You are only going to live this life once. Let’s not waste every day waiting for the right moment. There is only one moment to take action, and that is right now.
Good Luck, goal crusher!